We help remarried mid-life couples beat the 65% divorce rate, create beautiful marriages and live happily ever after together.
You start out your second marriage with such high hopes that this time around you have found “the one.” That life will be blissful, that you will live happily ever after.
Except your last marriage didn’t work out.
You have a truck load of baggage.
The honeymoon is over.
How can you ensure that this marriage is your last?
First, acknowledge that the past is the past and not a blueprint for the future. Back then, you may not have had all the tools and skills you needed to be successful at marriage. You can create a beautiful marriage starting today!
Your marriage is your most treasured relationship. It needs to be valued, cared for and nurtured.
Awareness is your first step. Replace damaging habits with new productive ones. Develop the dream relationship that you want for the rest of your life.
Whether your relationship is humming along just fine or feels a little stagnant, implement these four habits and watch your marriage flourish.
The biggest gift you can give your spouse is the daily affirmation that you choose them. That you’re committed to them, to the marriage, to the whole life you are creating together.
To choose someone every day means focusing on the gifts they bring into your marriage: their passion, playfulness, happiness, intelligence, companionship, whatever it is that makes your soul sing that they are in your life every day.
Consciously remember and reflect back to your spouse the things you love about them.
Choosing someone also means choosing NOT to focus on the things that annoy you or grate on you. It means not keeping lists of grievances or remembering all the times they screwed up. It’s offering up large doses of forgiveness and forgetfulness of their flaws.
(Sneaky Secret: Any flaw you see in your spouse is a flaw that you have also. You project your flaws onto each other and they’re the ones that annoy you the most!)
Choosing your spouse means you choose everything about them. The good and the bad. Magnify the good, release and forget the bad. You get what you focus on.
Focus on your commitment to each other and the love you share.
TIP: Display photos of your wedding or honeymoon, or times when you are wrapped in each other’s arms and smiling blissfully. These are subtle triggers to remind you of your love for each other and your commitment to your marriage. Rearrange their placement on a regular basis to catch your eye.
Having goals for your marriage is an important part of creating a marriage that will last forever. Shared goals focus your attention on the future you want to create together.
“Success comes when people act together; failure tends to happen alone.” Deepak Chopra
Every successful marriage has a foundation of five pillars:
Each pillar needs to be strong enough to balance the relationship. Setting goals in each of the five pillars help you structure your marriage for balance and harmony.
Write down your goals and put them in a place that you both can see them daily. Some couples create vision boards together to help them manifest the life they want together.
You talk to your spouse every day.
Barry calls me when he leaves the office and we chitchat while he drives home. What we did all day, what our grandkids are doing, what’s for dinner. It’s a low level of communication, yet we’re reconnecting to each other.
Sometimes you need to discuss big issues, deep problems or future plans. Select your time and place for deep, honest communication.
This kind of communication needs to be done in person, face to face.
Open communication requires listening skills, eye contact and the desire to understand each other. Misunderstandings can happen so quickly and cause tension and even anger if you’re not fully skilled in effective communication.
Here are the ten commandments for active listening, as suggested by Herbert G. Lingren, in the article Listening– With Your Heart As Well As Your Ears in Stronger Marriage:
- Stop talking.
- Put the speaker at ease. Assure your partner that you will not hold the discussion over their head like a weapon–and mean it!
- Pay attention to the nonverbal language. Body language and eye cues are essential, here.
- Listen to what is not said. Sometimes the unspoken words are the most telling.
- Know precisely what the other person is saying. Restate what she or he says to ensure that you understand their meaning clearly.
- Be aware of “tune out” words. Those phrases or words will strike an emotional chord.
- Concentrate on “hidden” emotional messages.
- Be patient. Don’t interrupt the speaker.
- Hold your temper! You might experience hurt feelings, but this is not the time for you to respond with emotions.
- Empathize with the speaker.
Our favorite daily ritual is the 10 seconds of Bliss Kiss. A hot sizzling kiss when one of us leaves the house and the same when we return.
Did you know that kissing is more intimate than making love?
When you kiss your sweetheart, you are actually exchanging breath and becoming one through sharing that life-giving substance.
Try hugging every day for a full minute. As you lean into each other and sync your breathing, your heartbeats will sync and you will feel more connected and restored.
Express appreciation – Everyday say, “One thing I appreciate about you is…”
Find rituals that suit you both, that are fun and easy to remember.
Rituals can become the glue that binds you together in love.
You will find that when one of you is out of sorts and the other initiates a ritual, initially there may be feelings of resistance, but because it is a daily habit, you almost always reconnect with each other.
The ritual becomes the balm that eases the pain of your annoyance.
We believe that second (or third) marriages can be filled with love and happiness!
You can learn the skills and tools to make your marriage your forever marriage!
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127 Reasons I Love You
FREE digital book
Barry and J'Anne ♥
Transformational Marriage Mentors