Successful Second Marriages Blog

We help remarried mid-life couples beat the 65% divorce rate, create beautiful marriages and live happily ever after together.

Romance Your Marriage With Eye Contact

Feeling a bit disconnected from your partner? There’s an easy fix for that.

Did you know that eye contact subconsciously creates a powerful sense of connection? Connection to each other, of course, is the foundation of romantic feelings.

Do you remember the first time you met your spouse? Perhaps you were at a dance or in a crowded room and your eyes met for the first time. Connection can happen in an instant when eyes meet.


Take a moment to remember those days when you couldn’t get enough of each other’s eyes.

Communicating With Your Eyes

You can tell a lot about your partner without them saying a word. Along with body language, you make subtle evaluations about your partner’s mood simply by their eye contact with you.

We rely on eye contact to connect with each other and you instinctively know that something is wrong when your spouse looks away while talking to you, or  worse won’t look at you at all. Let’s face it, looking at a mobile device while talking to your spouse conveys disinterest and disrespect. Just don’t do it!

You are more likely to trust what your spouse is saying if they are looking you in the eye. Healthy eye contact sends the message of respect and interest particularly during conversations.

TIP: Take a photo of your spouse looking directly into the lens. You can feel connected to them even when you are apart by staring deeply into their eyes in the photo.

Two Kinds of Eye Contact

You can increase connection to each other by improving your skills in these two areas.

  1. Everyday conversations

  2. Non verbal

1. Everyday Conversations

On a daily basis, make it a practice to look into your spouse’s eyes while they are talking. When you give your full attention they will tend to open up and keep talking.  (On the flip side, you might remember more of what they say.)

Too much eye contact can feel a bit creepy. (We call this making oogly eyes and it can be very distracting!)

Staring without blinking is unnerving. Try looking at one eye for four or five seconds, then blink and look at the second eye for the same amount of time. Blink again and look at their lips for five more seconds and then back to the first eye. (When Barry does this it makes J’Anne giggle because he is SO obvious about it.) 

A good ratio to maintain eye contact for connection is 60 to 70 percent of the time; more while you are the listener and slightly less while you are the speaker.

Try These Tips To Improve Your Daily Eye Contact Skills

Use gestures such as nodding in agreement, or crinkling your nose if they have said something silly.

Let a smile play on your lips as you listen intently.

Raise your eyebrows, or tilt your head.

Be engaged in the conversation by listening with your whole body.

Reach out and touch their hand or arm lightly, just to connect with them as they talk.

Use agreement “words” such as uh-huh, mmhmmm, ahhh, as they tell you their story.

Make sure to put down your digital device or mute the TV when your spouse wants to talk to you.


Keep in your mind that this person is the most important person in your life and if you are not paying attention to them you are sending the wrong signals.

J’Anne says:

Barry likes to tell me all about his day and the technical financial stuff he does.  I feel like my eyes could glaze over as I haven’t a clue what he’s talking about, but I’ve made it a practice to focus on him when he’s talking.

He is the most important person in my life and I don’t ever want to take him for granted. I do a lot of nodding and smiling so he knows I’m listening.


2. Non Verbal Eye Contact

Did you know that you can tell your mate you love them with just your eyes?

Schedule some time with each other (you might have to make an appointment!) for deep eye contact. It might feel awkward at first. Choose a time when you won’t be interrupted or distracted.

Sit quietly and gaze into each other’s eyes without talking. Watch as your lover’s pupils start to dilate, imagine you are making love with your eyes. Enjoy the bonding moments and see where it leads.


Make sure you are alone without digital distractions.

Get comfortable and face each other.

Relax and take some deep cleansing breaths.

Gaze into each other’s eyes. (watch for their pupils to dilate)

Let your heart open and feel the love flowing between you through your eyes.

The rest is up to you!

Barry says:

Until I met J’Anne I never really thought about eye contact in personal relationships. It’s something I always do at work with my clients to create trust and confidence. It makes sense to bring those skills home to our marriage.

Deep eye contact can feel awkward at first but I’m getting better at it as we practice.


It is time to take a good look into your wife or husband’s eyes. You want your spouse to know that they are the most important person in your life. Connecting with your spouse through eye contact can be deeply moving and spiritual.

Let’s start a conversation about eye contact in our private Facebook group. 

We’ve created a special closed Facebook group for you to have a safe and supportive place to share your ideas and concerns surrounding the unique issues specifically facing couples in the second half of their lives.

We believe that second (or third) marriages can be filled with love and happiness!

You can learn the skills and tools to make your marriage your forever marriage!

Here's a free ebook for you that we think you'll love.



127 Reasons I Love You

FREE digital book 



with love

Barry and J'Anne  
Transformational Marriage Mentors

J’Anne Monteleone is a certified Relationship Coach and Master Life Coach specializing in mentoring couples to enrich and strengthen their marriages. After spending over 30 years helping people design and build their dream homes, she’s now helping couples design and create their most important relationship: their marriage.
J'Anne along with her husband Barry Monteleone are certified marriage mentors and help couples transition through remarriage, empty nest and into a fulfilling and successful retirement lifestyle.
To see more information about Barry and J’Anne click here.