Successful Second Marriages Blog

We help remarried mid-life couples beat the 65% divorce rate, create beautiful marriages and live happily ever after together.

Why You Should “Sleep” with Your Spouse - 9 Tips for a Better Night’s Sleep Together

It’s kind of funny that before you’re married, when you say that you’re “sleeping” with someone, you really mean “we’re having sex”.

That is until you get married. Then you’re just sleeping in the same bed.


Yawn.  ZZzzZZZzzzzZZZZzzzzZZZZ. Snore….

It’s a given that you’re having married sex, so the conversation becomes one about actually sleeping.

If you were single for any length of time before remarrying, you likely became accustomed to sleeping in the whole bed by yourself. While doubtlessly it felt lonely at first, stretching out in the middle of the bed without anyone stealing the covers or waking you up when they got up to pee was probably a perk for you.

Then you remarried. Suddenly you’re sharing a bed every night and it’s hard to get a good night’s sleep. Especially in midlife when hot flashes and snoring seem to be the norm for many couples.

Research shows that up to 75% of couples do not go to bed at the same time due to one of them working, watching TV or surfing the web. 

If you are crawling into bed long after your mate is asleep and they are slipping out in the morning while you are still snoozing, when do you ever get the chance to make love, cuddle, or indulge in intimate pillow talk?

Another study suggested that up to 25% of couples do not sleep in the same bed. 

With that kind of math, is anyone actually enjoying sleeping together?

At first, we had a difficult time figuring how to sleep together. Barry stayed up till 1 am, I was ready to crash by 10. He snored like a trucker and I tossed and turned all night. Covers on. Covers off. It was a circus and sometimes one or the other of us would give up and head to the guest room.

We needed to figure out a way to sleep together before we died of sleep deprivation!

 Sleeping together can be tricky, especially if one or both of you is restless or snores. Invest in a bed that has pocket coils that reduce or eliminate the bounce from your partner’s movements. When they get up in the night to use the bathroom, your side of the bed won’t even move.

Hot and steamy is great for romance novels but not so much for actually sleeping.

The temperature in your bedroom can cause sleep issues and relationship issues.

Ideally your bedroom should be quite cool at night (60 – 65°F / 15 – 18°C.) If you prefer to be warmer use a dual control mattress heater. In the winter I turn my side on before bed to make the sheets warm and cozy. Barry has NEVER turned his on even once! (However, guess who’s cuddled up on my side on chilly nights???) If you’re the one who's too hot at night, you can buy a mattress that stays cool during the night, (a must for those hot flashes!)

Snoring can ruin your chances for a good night’s sleep. It’s worth the effort to seek medical advice to reduce snoring. We found an essential oil called RC that seems to lessen the snoring when rubbed under the nose. You can also try nasal strips, anti-snore pillows or white noise machines.

If your spouse has a CPAP machine the noise can be almost unbearable. You can purchase better quality ear plugs from a hearing aid provider that can give you a peaceful night’s rest.

After all, you didn’t get married again just to sleep alone!


Here Are a Few Tips We Use to Help us Sleep Better

  1. Ban TV or digital devices from the bedroom and turn them off an hour before sleep time.

  2. Use a salt lamp to clean the air and produce sleep inducing negative ions.

  3. White noise machines mask ambient noises outside or snoring inside. (We use a fan pointed away from the bed.)

  4. Make comfortable bedding a priority, have clean sheets and pillows.

  5. Use separate blankets if one of you is a blanket hog.

  6. Keep the air temperature of your room on the low side, to help you sleep better.

  7. Essential oils rubbed on your feet or diffused into the air can promote relaxation and deeper sleep. (We use lavender.)

  8. Use black out blinds to darken your room.

  9. Get the biggest bed you can fit into your room!

The Benefits are Worth It!

Going to bed at the same time will significantly reduce the chances of you and your spouse drifting apart. You will probably have to make some compromises. We head to bed together around 11 pm. I’m yawning my head off and Barry is grumbling that his show is still on. But we both agree that we want to go to bed together and this is how we make it work.

The ritual of preparing for bed and turning out the lights creates a stronger bond of closeness and unity. We read out loud to each other for about 10 minutes before we turn out the lights. It helps power down our brains and is one of those little routines that binds us together.

Even if we’ve had a spat, our habit of reading is so strong that we do it anyway, and most times we’re able to let go of the petty annoyances and fall asleep in each other’s arms.

Researchers find that cuddling together before sleep helps couples feel nurtured and relaxed and inspires feelings of love, happiness and satisfaction.

Spooning is a lovely way to feel connected to each other. The physical touch of your bodies actually releases the feel-good hormone Oxytocin which helps you connect with your spouse and helps you fall asleep easier.

Your hearts are touching on the same side of your bodies rather than opposite sides when you hug face to face. As you lay there cuddled in each other's arms, imagine that you can feel your lover’s heart beating against your own.

Let the feelings of love flow between your two hearts.

Share Bedtime

 If it seems impossible to go to bed together every night, make a commitment to go to bed together several times a week. Leave ample time to connect before falling asleep.

Pillow talk is where some of your best conversations may happen as you relax in the darkness, cuddled close together. The bonds of trust and love become stronger.

Researchers from the University of Warwick studied the sleep patterns of 300,000 people over four years and found that getting a good night’s sleep gives you the same euphoria as winning $150,000!

The ultimate goal is to be able to say that you’re “sleeping” with your spouse!

Sweet Dreams!

We believe that second (or third) marriages can be filled with love and happiness!

You can learn the skills and tools to make your marriage your forever marriage!

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with love

Barry and J'Anne  
Transformational Marriage Mentors

J’Anne Monteleone is a certified Relationship Coach and Master Life Coach specializing in mentoring couples to enrich and strengthen their marriages. After spending over 30 years helping people design and build their dream homes, she’s now helping couples design and create their most important relationship: their marriage.
J'Anne along with her husband Barry Monteleone are certified marriage mentors and help couples transition through remarriage, empty nest and into a fulfilling and successful retirement lifestyle.
To see more information about Barry and J’Anne click here.